A Yosting that brought me back

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been on hiatus for numerous reasons, but yesterday's events brought me back. It's time for the ruckus return. The reason is the above man's (sorry, retard's) handling of the man below.



Here's Soup, his 2nd start off the DL, and the team has staked him to a 4-1 lead in the 5th. Then he proceeds to...

- Walk Hunter Pence on 4 straight pitches
- Allow a single to Darrin Erstad (hitting .226 in July), Pence to 3rd.
- Allow another single to Brad Ausmus (Ausmus... really???), Pence scores (4-2), Erstad to 2nd.
- Allow a bunt single to THE FRIGGIN PITCHER Randy Wolf, Erstad to 3rd, Ausmus to 2nd.

At this point ther was NO ONE warming in the bullpen. Nedly, he allowed 3 straight hits and a walk. he hadn't been close to getting an out at this point. Let's continue...

- Kaz Matzui grounds out to Prince. Erstad scores, Ausmus to 3rd, Wolf to 2nd. (4-3)

Still no one warming

- Miguel Tejada singles to right, Ausmus scores, Wolf scores. (Ricky could've had it, but did an Ole' on the play) Astros now lead 5-4.
- Berkman singles, Tejada to 2nd.

So let's review real quick. 5 of 6 have gotten hits, the first guy walks. and 4 runs have scored. There is one out, and NO ONE FUCKING WARMING UP IN THE PEN. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING NED?!? He let 6 of 7 guys get on, and clearly did not have it. You need to bring in a pitcher before something bad happens...

- Carlos Lee flies out to Center.
- Geoff Blum (really? Geoff Blum?) homers, Tejada and Berkman score. 8-4. Game pretty much fucking over.

Ned said he was one good pitch away from getting out of it a couple of times. Let's see... Matsui grounded out on a 1-0 count. Tejada singled on a 3-1 count. Berkman was 2-2, but still got on. Lee flew out on a 1-1 count. Blum homered on a pitch belt high right down the fucking pipe.

There was only one situation where one good pitch to a FLY BALL FUCKING HITTER would have gotten out of the inning (Berkman).

He finally got out of it after the damage was done. Ned brought him out the next inning where he got out of it with no damage (after allowing another hit to Ausmus).

Final line- 6 innings, 11 hits, 8 runs (all earned), 3 k's and a walk. Fucking A' Ned, what does a pitcher have to do to get yanked? Fuck your daughter or something?

Game 4- Hall and Villy's Oats

The home opener. The beer, the tailgates, the people paying to conveniently pee. There's no better day of the year, or a better opener in MLB.

There was no better team to face that the San Fran Giants. These guys are a collection of aging, overpriced outfielders, a good young rotation, and absolutely no punch in the lineup what so ever. On the plus side, they do have a guy who's name is pronounced You Hay Nee Yo. So from here on out, they are now known as the Fighting Youhayneos.

The crew put on a display with Generically named third baseman leading the charge with two homers and 6 RBI. Villy proved himself as a very good MLB starter with 6 innings of great pitching, and Gagne's beard did not need to be in the game as the crew blew out the fighting Youhaneos 13-4. I don't feel like being funnier right now.

Game 3- Bushwhacked

The Brewers lost, and Dave Bush, in addition to lucking like a deranged lumberjack, got knocked around. But all that does not matter. Check out what happened when Rickie got sick of hitting by cubs pitchers:



That works.

And what's up with Prince's pants? It looks like two blue traffic columns are holding up sacks of Gyro meat shanks. Just sayin'.

Game 2- The Exposing of Ted Lilly

This is Ted Lilly, according to most sources, the #2 pitcher for the Cubs, and a great pitcher.

I maintain that most experts are full of shit, and that Ted Lilly wilts for 2 years before having a good year (see what I did there... he wilts... nevermind). I am of the opinion that he sucks, and that last year was an anomaly. As proof. I present the first pitch he threw on the season to Rickie, who jacked it out of Wrigley.

As a side note, Cubs current owner Sam Zell is going to change the name of the hell hole that is Wrigley. I say go for it. Make some money Sammy. Who cares about tradition when you can sell the name to a rival gum company.

Anyway, the crew chased lilly in the 5th and scored some ticky tack runs throught the game to take it 8-2. Nothing really worth mentioning except that Jason Kendal had his 3rd multiple extra base hit game in 3 years. Good for him. Maybe he'll be an average NL catcher, which is still a .239 hitter.

Opening Day- The Ben Sheets Toga Party

Well it's been too long. That's my fault. What are you gonna do. Anyway, let's go over the Opening Day against the godless, soulless, baby killing machines that are the baseball team from the north side of the mythical city of Chicago.

March 31- Opening Day, new hope, new faces, new lineups, same old rivalry. The first eight innings were a classic pitchers duel. Ben Sheets was practically unhittable (not a word, go fuck yourself for noticing). Unfortunately, the crew could not unhinge Zambrano. Here's one of the more memorable Zambrano meltdowns...


Ahh... good times...

Anyway, he was dealing as well. The Brewers could only muster 3 hits and a walk. 5 Ks didn't help either.

The other issue was Kosuke Fukudome. That mother fucker would not get out all day. The only two hits Sheets gave up were to that import. Not to mention a walk. Good thing for us, no one else got a hit off Sheets, or Torres, or Mota, who was just nasty. Sheets was particularly great, going 6 and a third with 7 K's. The Cubs could do as much with that stuff as a Rock of Love girl could do with the SATs. It's good to see that 6.4 of our 25+ million dollar bullpen was working.

Which brings us to the Scrubs bullpen. Marmol was hard to hit as usual. The guy just can figure out the crew, who have hit .150 against him. But then, the Cubs savior, the unreliable Kerry Wood came out in the top of the 9th. All of the season previews from the pundits have chosen the Cubs because they feel Kerry Wood is more reliable than Eric Gagne... Let's see what happens:

- Weeks hit by pitch
- TGJr sacrifices him over to 2nd
- Fielder intentionally walked
- Braun singles, Weeks Scores, Fielder to 2nd
- Hall k's
- Hart doubles, Fielder Scores, Braun Scores

Yeah, thats about right for a savior. But unfotunately, Gagne debuted his new beard. Let's look at that bad boy...


Man, thats just lazy. It's not a worthwhile beard. Thats just not shaving for a week. And judging by the first three hitters, looks like the laziness continued. Lee singled, Ramirez walked, and Fucking Domee homered. I hate that guy now. I just take solace in the fact that he'll never see the majority of his family and friends ever again, being that Russia will probably nuke them over NATO inclusions.

Anyway, Councell doubled, weeks got hit by a pitch, and TGJr hit a sac fly to give the crew the lead in the 10th, and Riske shut them down. Nothing like getting the year started with a great win.

FOUND: a Hitter Worse Than Jason Kendal

I haven't posted lately, but that's because there isn't shit going on right now. We invited Abraham Nunez to camp, and signed him to a minor league contract. The only stock photo the JS could find on him would be him making an out. Like this:

He's good at defense, and making outs. Thats it.

Let's go over what else has happened:

Jeff Suppan opened a resturant. I really don't care at all. It's just an excuse for idiots to blame if he sucks.

The Crew and Dave Bush are closer to a contract. I've always thought he was some form of lumberjack serial killer. Oh well, he's either going to be traded or go to the bullpen anyway.

The Brewers will be on Fox Saturday Baseball four times this season. This just means I won't be able to watch them on MLB.TV

Corey Koskie wants to
play baseball again. Good luck to him. I wonder if he'll still look like a meth addict.


All of this is not worth commenting more than 2 sentences. God, I miss some actual baseball news.

You think the Brewers actually have a shot in arbitration against these eyes?

C'mon man, 2.4 million. Get out of here with that piddly ass bullshit. You actually think that 2.4 million is worth the shit I do for this franchise? I outhit Miguel Fucking Tejada last year. He's going to make 13 this coming season. I am way better than that pussy.

Speaking of pussy, why do you think all the quality tang comes on down to the park huh? It ain't so they can compare cup sizes with Son of Clung that chubby mother fucker. It's these babies right here.


Hell, I cause a tsunami of vaginal moisture that can flood the Fox River Valley the moment the flash these babies on the scoreboard. Why the hell do you think carpet cleaners in the area have been flying off the shelves? The reason I only asked for 3.05 million is because you need the extra 450 thousand for the labor and mops to clean up that shit. You can make that money back easily with the Bounty sponsorship dollars I'm gonna be bringing in. Check out the commercial:

[Husband] Honey, why is there a puddle on the floor?

[Wife] Sorry sweetie, I just saw JJ Hardy on the TV and couldn't help it. It was like Niagra falls in my nether regions.

[Husband] So are you going to take care of it, or am I going to have to bust out the Rubber Hose agian?

[Wife] Don't worry, we have this-
[Wife] Bounty's quilts absorb messes like when Timmy knocks over his juice, or I get a little too excited about that ridiculously gorgeous Short Stop.

[Husband] I'm just glad you and I both have a passion for sports. Thank goodness for Bounty.

[Voice-over] Bounty, JJ Hardy proofing Southeast Wisconsin floors since 2005


Yeah, how do you like that shit, huh? I can see Bissell, Hoover, So-Dri, and Viva signing on. Have you seen AstroGlide's new slogan? "AstroGlide, when you can't find a picture of JJ Hardy." You'll be printing money with these babies.

2.4 million. Shit. You better hope the arbiter isn't gay, or a woman. You got no shot then Dougie. It'll be over before you can say 786 OPS.