The Chubber Lang Report

A Yosting that brought me back

2008-07-28T11:26:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been on hiatus for numerous reasons, but yesterday's events brought me back. It's time for the ruckus return. The reason is the above man's (sorry, retard's) handling of the man below.

Here's Soup, his 2nd start off the DL, and the team has staked him to a 4-1 lead in the 5th. Then he proceeds to...

- Walk Hunter Pence on 4 straight pitches
- Allow a single to Darrin Erstad (hitting .226 in July), Pence to 3rd.
- Allow another single to Brad Ausmus (Ausmus... really???), Pence scores (4-2), Erstad to 2nd.
- Allow a bunt single to THE FRIGGIN PITCHER Randy Wolf, Erstad to 3rd, Ausmus to 2nd.

At this point ther was NO ONE warming in the bullpen. Nedly, he allowed 3 straight hits and a walk. he hadn't been close to getting an out at this point. Let's continue...

- Kaz Matzui grounds out to Prince. Erstad scores, Ausmus to 3rd, Wolf to 2nd. (4-3)

Still no one warming

- Miguel Tejada singles to right, Ausmus scores, Wolf scores. (Ricky could've had it, but did an Ole' on the play) Astros now lead 5-4.
- Berkman singles, Tejada to 2nd.

So let's review real quick. 5 of 6 have gotten hits, the first guy walks. and 4 runs have scored. There is one out, and NO ONE FUCKING WARMING UP IN THE PEN. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING NED?!? He let 6 of 7 guys get on, and clearly did not have it. You need to bring in a pitcher before something bad happens...

- Carlos Lee flies out to Center.
- Geoff Blum (really? Geoff Blum?) homers, Tejada and Berkman score. 8-4. Game pretty much fucking over.

Ned said he was one good pitch away from getting out of it a couple of times. Let's see... Matsui grounded out on a 1-0 count. Tejada singled on a 3-1 count. Berkman was 2-2, but still got on. Lee flew out on a 1-1 count. Blum homered on a pitch belt high right down the fucking pipe.

There was only one situation where one good pitch to a FLY BALL FUCKING HITTER would have gotten out of the inning (Berkman).

He finally got out of it after the damage was done. Ned brought him out the next inning where he got out of it with no damage (after allowing another hit to Ausmus).

Final line- 6 innings, 11 hits, 8 runs (all earned), 3 k's and a walk. Fucking A' Ned, what does a pitcher have to do to get yanked? Fuck your daughter or something?

Game 4- Hall and Villy's Oats

2008-04-05T14:28:00.002-05:00

The home opener. The beer, the tailgates, the people paying to conveniently pee. There's no better day of the year, or a better opener in MLB.

There was no better team to face that the San Fran Giants. These guys are a collection of aging, overpriced outfielders, a good young rotation, and absolutely no punch in the lineup what so ever. On the plus side, they do have a guy who's name is pronounced You Hay Nee Yo. So from here on out, they are now known as the Fighting Youhayneos.

The crew put on a display with Generically named third baseman leading the charge with two homers and 6 RBI. Villy proved himself as a very good MLB starter with 6 innings of great pitching, and Gagne's beard did not need to be in the game as the crew blew out the fighting Youhaneos 13-4. I don't feel like being funnier right now.

Game 3- Bushwhacked

2008-04-05T14:11:00.004-05:00

The Brewers lost, and Dave Bush, in addition to lucking like a deranged lumberjack, got knocked around. But all that does not matter. Check out what happened when Rickie got sick of hitting by cubs pitchers:

That works.

And what's up with Prince's pants? It looks like two blue traffic columns are holding up sacks of Gyro meat shanks. Just sayin'.

Game 2- The Exposing of Ted Lilly

2008-04-05T13:25:00.002-05:00

This is Ted Lilly, according to most sources, the #2 pitcher for the Cubs, and a great pitcher.

I maintain that most experts are full of shit, and that Ted Lilly wilts for 2 years before having a good year (see what I did there... he wilts... nevermind). I am of the opinion that he sucks, and that last year was an anomaly. As proof. I present the first pitch he threw on the season to Rickie, who jacked it out of Wrigley.

As a side note, Cubs current owner Sam Zell is going to change the name of the hell hole that is Wrigley. I say go for it. Make some money Sammy. Who cares about tradition when you can sell the name to a rival gum company.

Anyway, the crew chased lilly in the 5th and scored some ticky tack runs throught the game to take it 8-2. Nothing really worth mentioning except that Jason Kendal had his 3rd multiple extra base hit game in 3 years. Good for him. Maybe he'll be an average NL catcher, which is still a .239 hitter.

Opening Day- The Ben Sheets Toga Party

2008-04-05T11:33:00.003-05:00

Well it's been too long. That's my fault. What are you gonna do. Anyway, let's go over the Opening Day against the godless, soulless, baby killing machines that are the baseball team from the north side of the mythical city of Chicago.

March 31- Opening Day, new hope, new faces, new lineups, same old rivalry. The first eight innings were a classic pitchers duel. Ben Sheets was practically unhittable (not a word, go fuck yourself for noticing). Unfortunately, the crew could not unhinge Zambrano. Here's one of the more memorable Zambrano meltdowns...

Ahh... good times...

Anyway, he was dealing as well. The Brewers could only muster 3 hits and a walk. 5 Ks didn't help either.

The other issue was Kosuke Fukudome. That mother fucker would not get out all day. The only two hits Sheets gave up were to that import. Not to mention a walk. Good thing for us, no one else got a hit off Sheets, or Torres, or Mota, who was just nasty. Sheets was particularly great, going 6 and a third with 7 K's. The Cubs could do as much with that stuff as a Rock of Love girl could do with the SATs. It's good to see that 6.4 of our 25+ million dollar bullpen was working.

Which brings us to the Scrubs bullpen. Marmol was hard to hit as usual. The guy just can figure out the crew, who have hit .150 against him. But then, the Cubs savior, the unreliable Kerry Wood came out in the top of the 9th. All of the season previews from the pundits have chosen the Cubs because they feel Kerry Wood is more reliable than Eric Gagne... Let's see what happens:

- Weeks hit by pitch
- TGJr sacrifices him over to 2nd
- Fielder intentionally walked
- Braun singles, Weeks Scores, Fielder to 2nd
- Hall k's
- Hart doubles, Fielder Scores, Braun Scores

Yeah, thats about right for a savior. But unfotunately, Gagne debuted his new beard. Let's look at that bad boy...

Man, thats just lazy. It's not a worthwhile beard. Thats just not shaving for a week. And judging by the first three hitters, looks like the laziness continued. Lee singled, Ramirez walked, and Fucking Domee homered. I hate that guy now. I just take solace in the fact that he'll never see the majority of his family and friends ever again, being that Russia will probably nuke them over NATO inclusions.

Anyway, Councell doubled, weeks got hit by a pitch, and TGJr hit a sac fly to give the crew the lead in the 10th, and Riske shut them down. Nothing like getting the year started with a great win.

FOUND: a Hitter Worse Than Jason Kendal

2008-01-24T21:40:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted lately, but that's because there isn't shit going on right now. We invited Abraham Nunez to camp, and signed him to a minor league contract. The only stock photo the JS could find on him would be him making an out. Like this:

He's good at defense, and making outs. Thats it.

Let's go over what else has happened:

Jeff Suppan opened a resturant. I really don't care at all. It's just an excuse for idiots to blame if he sucks.

The Crew and Dave Bush are closer to a contract. I've always thought he was some form of lumberjack serial killer. Oh well, he's either going to be traded or go to the bullpen anyway.

The Brewers will be on Fox Saturday Baseball four times this season. This just means I won't be able to watch them on MLB.TV

Corey Koskie wants to
play baseball again. Good luck to him. I wonder if he'll still look like a meth addict.

All of this is not worth commenting more than 2 sentences. God, I miss some actual baseball news.

You think the Brewers actually have a shot in arbitration against these eyes?

2008-01-19T19:07:00.001-06:00

C'mon man, 2.4 million. Get out of here with that piddly ass bullshit. You actually think that 2.4 million is worth the shit I do for this franchise? I outhit Miguel Fucking Tejada last year. He's going to make 13 this coming season. I am way better than that pussy.

Speaking of pussy, why do you think all the quality tang comes on down to the park huh? It ain't so they can compare cup sizes with Son of Clung that chubby mother fucker. It's these babies right here.

Hell, I cause a tsunami of vaginal moisture that can flood the Fox River Valley the moment the flash these babies on the scoreboard. Why the hell do you think carpet cleaners in the area have been flying off the shelves? The reason I only asked for 3.05 million is because you need the extra 450 thousand for the labor and mops to clean up that shit. You can make that money back easily with the Bounty sponsorship dollars I'm gonna be bringing in. Check out the commercial:

[Husband] Honey, why is there a puddle on the floor?

[Wife] Sorry sweetie, I just saw JJ Hardy on the TV and couldn't help it. It was like Niagra falls in my nether regions.

[Husband] So are you going to take care of it, or am I going to have to bust out the Rubber Hose agian?

[Wife] Don't worry, we have this-
[Wife] Bounty's quilts absorb messes like when Timmy knocks over his juice, or I get a little too excited about that ridiculously gorgeous Short Stop.

[Husband] I'm just glad you and I both have a passion for sports. Thank goodness for Bounty.

[Voice-over] Bounty, JJ Hardy proofing Southeast Wisconsin floors since 2005

Yeah, how do you like that shit, huh? I can see Bissell, Hoover, So-Dri, and Viva signing on. Have you seen AstroGlide's new slogan? "AstroGlide, when you can't find a picture of JJ Hardy." You'll be printing money with these babies.

2.4 million. Shit. You better hope the arbiter isn't gay, or a woman. You got no shot then Dougie. It'll be over before you can say 786 OPS.

Lineup Breakdown- What should be

2008-01-15T22:00:00.000-06:00

It always amazes me that Kevin Pollack is that short. Anyway, I think it's a good enough time with all positions filled that we get to the lineup. This is what should be.

1. Rickie Weeks, 2B- Joe Sheehan just picked Rickie to be his 2nd best candidate to break out this year. Joe Sheehan also said the Texas Rangers ('07 record 75-87) would be the 4th best team in baseball. He's also rumored to be a Cubs fan. So fuck Joe Sheehan, but thanks for the good news.

2. Hungry Eyes, SS- Had a huge year, mostly because the pitchers don't stare into the sky like Fernando Valenzuela. They look in and get distracted by his good looks. I believe it was Zack Duke who said, "I suck because I'd totally go gay for J.J."

3. The Razor, LF- I think the Tigers, Yankees, and Marlins have better 3-slot hitters. However, no one has a more Chosen one. Hell, he could kill my messiah anytime (Don't get pissy with me about this, I'm Jewish too, and yes, I know it was the Romans).

4. Chubsy, 1B- How long until he needs the lap band just to keep playing? Who cares as long as he keeps hitting 50 dongs for the next 4 years until Boras rips out our hearts and takes him to a market where someone will pay him what he actually is worth.

5. 80's pop star, RF- I'm really liking this so far. Corey is easily going to drive in 100, and score 100. He's also working on his follow up to 1998's Jade. God was that horrible.

6. Generically named Third Baseman, 3B- He didn't respond well to his move to being the Generically named Center Fielder. This coming year, he's going back to the infield. My big concern is that he was a 1 year wonder, and I hope he'll change his name to something worth mentioning as well. The only anagram you can get from it is Ball Hill
.
7. Speed Freak, CF- He'll be back in may, until then we'll have HOF Jr. putting up a good .275/.325/.350 line. Then he'll be moved down to Triple A and we'll have the greatness of Joe Dillon, Gabe Kapler (another chosen person) and Gabe Gross taking ABs from more deserving players. God I hate Nedly.

8. Jason Kendall, C- You thought Tony Gwynn Jr was depressing, the best we can expect from this guy is a .300/.370/.375 line. I give it until June 1st before 'Stache makes a move to get something. We do have an assload of usable starters to ship...

So that's what should be the lineup. Here's some facts about the 40 man

- Corey Hart, Seth McClung and Guillermo Mota are the tallest players at 6'6". It should be noted that if you ask them how the weather is up there, they will spit on you and say, "wet."

- Brian Shouse and Solomon Torres are the shortest at 5'11". Shouse is also going to be turning 40, thus making him the oldest. Craig Counsell would be the 2nd oldest if he wasn't dead, as he has been for the past 2 seasons.

- No Brewer position player is shorter than 6'.

- Alcides Escobar is the lightest (with the exception of Craig Counsell's rotting corpse) at 165.

- Chubsy and Seth McClung (known from here on out as Son of Clung, a star trek villain) are the largest at 260. He was also the largest "listed" player last year with Ray King listed at 240. Give me a fucking break. Let's take a look at Ray King.

C'mon. The guy is pushing 3 bills. I will refer to him from here on out as Biscuit, since he is a biscuit short of 350.

- There are 8 guys on the team who bat left and throw righty, including catcher Eric Munson who would make an excellent platoon partner with Jason Kendall. And by platoon partner, I mean get kendall out from behind that fucking plate.

- There isn't a single Rickey Henderson who bats right, throws left, and refers to himself exclusively in the third person. See David Cross's routine for the perfect take on it. "Pick up the phone Rickey."

- Pitcher Tim Dillard is a switch hitter. This means nothing since all he'd be for us is a reliever. Or a trade throw in.

- In addition to being the lightest, Escobar is also the youngest. He just turned 21, and received his trust fund from a Panamanian Bank protected from the Noriega bank raids of the early 90s. If I say anymore, a Dignity Battalian will come and beat the crap outta me.

- The pitchers outweigh the hitters 4235 lbs to 4100. Thats the difference of about a half a Son of Clung. His name is actually Kagor, and he is from his mom's previous marriage. He chose to follow his step father as opposed to his brother into baseball. He currently is near Coddington's Nebula planning his next evil move. It was named after Boyd Coddingtong of Dicovery Channel's American Hot Rod who is currently in a war with Chip Foose, star of TLC's Overhaulin'. TLC is also the home of Trading Spaces which gave rise to the star of Extreme Home Make Over star and Bayer Asprin whore Ty Pennington. And that is how you play Six Degrees of Ty Pennington ladies and gentlemen.

- Tim Dillard also has the highest assigned uniform number at 78. This means there is no way in hell he's going to make the club.

- Now that Calix Crabbe is gone, the coolest name in the system is Helena's Zelous Wheeler, who was only 2 of 3 in SB attempts this past season.

Looks like the Stashe has no problem with Mike Cameron

2008-01-12T10:10:00.000-06:00

The Brewers decided this speed freak is going to be our Center Fielder. He's a 20/20 guy and hits .250, because who doesn't need mediocrity. In addition, he won't be playing until May because of his 25 game amphetamine suspension. Now what's wrong taking down a red bull, other than it tastes horribly, unless you like sweet tarts. Those truly were the nastiest tasting candy outside of Circus Peanuts. Seriously, do you know anyone that actually enjoyed Circus Peanuts? Those were just ridiculously nauseating.

Anyway, this means generically named center fielder is now going to be our generically named third baseman, and the Razor is going to be shagging flies in left. But really, what does this mean for the future. We seem to be grooming ridiculously talented batting Matt LaPorta for left, and then where do we move Braun? He does have the arm for right, but that's where our 80's pop star resides. Do we move him to center? The Stashe has just made the future a bit cloudier. But at least we don't have a below average player in the actual field. Except Jason Kendal, because, you know, he sucks goat nuts.

[UPDATE: LaPorta is coming to Major League Spring Training, and switching to Right.]

You know you make me wanna SHOUSE

2008-01-09T20:50:00.000-06:00

The lefty known as Brian "DON'T FUCKING PUT ME IN AGAINST RIGHTYs" Shouse has avoided arbitration and signed a 1 year, $2 million contract. For those who don't know how arbitration works, the two sides, player and team sit down with an arbiter. The player says, "I did this, this, and this, so I'm worth this." The team then says, "Fuck You! You didn't do this, this, and this, so you are going to get the pittance we damn well feel you deserve." And then the arbiter decides for the team and the player decides on cities he would rather die in when he finally reaches free agency. Oh, and then they live happily ever after.

Brewers not getting Da Jesus

2008-01-09T10:54:00.001-06:00

According to the Stache, the Brewers will not be getting DeJesus. Just as well. We want to keep our 8 year olds safe, Dude. 8 year olds.

In other news, Bert Blyleven, Andre Dawson, and Jim Rice did not make the Hall of Fame yet again. Strangely enough, someone thought enough of Shawon Dunston to give him a HOF vote. This is the same Shawon Dunston who never hit over.300, who had a career .296 OBP, and most of all, made his name as a Cub bench player. But hey, he's good enough for the HOF accourding to one fucking moron.

The Dead Period- time for a prospect report

2008-01-05T12:46:00.000-06:00

There hasn't been any real Brewers news since we let Matt Wise go, so I think it's time to look at the Minor Leagues and see what we got coming up. I'll do it Baseball America Style, but with the good old Chubber Lang twist (and by old, I mean 2 weeks old since thats when I first brought the noise!).

Matt LaPorta

Background- Drafted 7th overall from Florida, he spent the majority of his career chasing some good Florida Poon, such as this:

He also played some baseball too, but I think you are still staring at the picture.

Strengths: Hitting the long ball, spraying the ball to all fields, work ethic, chasing poon, having 2 capital letters in last name, macrame.

Weaknesses: Strikeouts, hitting in Arizona, defense.

Outlook: He'll be the left fielder in '09, and perhaps even mid season this year if he can cut down the K's.

Manny Parra:

Background: Manny was drafted by the previous regime. He's a california boy, and pitched a perfect game in AAA this year. Good for him. He missed a couple years due to injury, but can still wing it up there with good speed and movement. You can just call him climbing vine, and he won't mind at all

Strengths: Mid 90's fastball, good curve and change, decent hitter, squinting.

Weaknesses: Parra has a hard time staying healthy. He had shoulder surgery in '05, broke his thumb while trying to bunt at the end of this year, and had his left leg severed off in a horrific gardening accident. Gardening is also a weakness of his, as demonstraded by his wooden leg.

Outlook: Assuming the Brewers move Cappy, Bush, or Vargas, Parra will compete for the 5th starter in Spring Training, and since he's a scorpio, he's determined and focused, yet jeolous and resentful. He'll also hit better than Jason Kendal.

Mat Gamel

Background: The Brewers found this guy working the salt mines of Florida while evaluating former Brewer prospect Darren Ford. He thanked the team with a Florida State League record 33 game hitting streak. But he also made a minor league leading 56 errors.

Strenghts: He can hit with the best of them. His developing power is right up there with his great batting eye. He also kinda looks like a young Tom Berringer. He can also mine salt with the best of them.

Weaknesses: He know's that one day he'll kinda look like an old Tom Berringer. He can't play defense, and Ryan Braun's gracing the Brewers with his presence means that Mat is blocked. He's very self conscious about the single T in his first name. It makes him feel like less of a man.

Outlook: If he can cut down on the errors, he'll be a valuable hitter to have. If he doesn't, he might become the peg boy in the mines again.

Jeremy Jeffress

Background: Jeffress is from South Boston, Virginia. Like another Southie, Will Hunting, he's trying to get passed childhood of abuse to make it. He does have the best arm in the system, striking out more than a batter per inning in the minors. But he does need help from Robin Williams, to get passed his problems.

Strengths: He's got high 90's heat, and can touch triple digits on the gun. He can also roll a mean blunt, as he's tested positive 4 times for marijuana.

Weaknesses: He doesn't have any memorable secondary pitches, and he's gonna be out for 50 games to start the season due to the suspension. He also can't stand Robin Williams, like the rest of us.

Outlook: As long as he can get his life back in order with the help of Minnie Driver, he'll be a hell of a pitcher one day.

Cole Gillespie

Background: Gillespie also has a rough childhood, as his father, Dizzie, was always disappointed that he didn't follow his footsteps into the Jazz Trumpet game. Cole rebeled and is now the shame of his family. Plus he can't do that weird looking cue ball in the cheeks thing.

Strengths: Plate discipline, defensive range, autograph collection featuring Louis Armstrong, Stan Getz, and Charlie Parker.

Weaknesses: Not a lot of power, noodle-armed nancy boy, breaks down into tears everytime someone plays Digital at Montreaux, 1980.

Outlook: With LaPorta reportedly the future in Left, Gillespie will have to find his fortune either with another team, as a 4th outfielder, or with his mad trombone skills that he's been secretly hiding all these years.

Brant Brewer

Background: Brewer is as talented as it gets when it comes to physical tools. He passed up Florida State to take a $600,000 bonus. Let's review this choice:

Not the best call Brant.

Strengths: He is the best athelete in the system. He has tools galore, including the rare 2.75 inch box wood planer from Matheson and Son from the 1870s. Not really useful, but still, he can hit, run, and steal with the best of them.

Weaknesses: Brewer is not a good baseball player. Yes he can steal bases, but he struck out 170 times last year, and made 46 errors. Plus, he really regrets not being able to view the ladies above in person.

Outlook: The sky is the limit for this kid, but he could not develop at all, which means passing on that scholarship to the seminoles might bite him in the ass. Or he could become the next Javon Walker. You never know.

Alicides Escobar

Background: Cleverly cleaned up, by some Columbian tomfoolery. Just watch out.

Strengths: This kid has a wicked glove, and mad connections. You need 5 Kilos, he's gotcha covered. Just make sure you have his money.

Weaknesses: He has no plate discapline. He also has no power. Looks like a Neifi Perez clone to me, which you do not want on your team.

Outlook: I've got 3 mean looking hairy guys holding a machete to my neck, so he'll be a STAR!!!

Thats enough for now. I'll check back in when there is more to report

So You Say You Want A Resolution...

2007-12-31T16:16:00.000-06:00

It's New Year's Eve, so it's time for the Brewers to reflect and make resolutions for 2008. I have procured the list of their thoughts, and in a CLR exclusive, here is the list of resolutions:

Doug Melvin- Throw more money at relievers/mustache wax manufacturers

Gord Ash- Four Words: Hair Club For Men

Ned Yost- Git sum managin' lessons

Chubsy- More Homers=More Hams, so more homers (and a .290 average would be nice)

The Razor- Get rid of lead glove, get more $ for semitic good looks

Hungry Eyes (aka the dreamy shortstop)- stop looking at Ned during pitching changes so he
doesn't get distracted and fall in love with me for the 50th time.

Rickie- get Y at end of name, and perhaps hit .265

80s Pop Star- finally give in to pressure and make Sunglasses at Night or Never Surrender the bumper music for ABs. Also, become "hot hand" so Ned never takes me out.

Generically named CF- actually earn contract

TBA LF- Hit .275/.360/.490... and don't look into JJ Hardy's eyes while shagging fly balls. Don't want to get hurt

Jason Kendal- start channeling Gary Carter... Step 1- grow Gheri Curl, Step 2- ???, Step 3- Profit!!!

Ben Sheets Toga Party- Get passed chronic vaginitis and actually pitch 25 fucking games.

Yovanni Gallardo- Keep being awesome, sleep with the Lazer's sister (fucker... but it's cool). Also, Mark Rodgers is a bitch.

Jeff Suppan- Pitch better than Carlos fucking Silva, 2 million more than me, fuck him.

Dave Bush- Live up to fantasy hype, pitch good in actuallity.

Carlos Villanueva- get actual shot to show I'm a good 4th starter.

Manny Parra- out perform Mike Jones (same resolution since '01). Earn spot on team.

Chris Capuano- earn spot for new team, bring back LF in return for me

Eric Gagne- Get last out of World Series v. Boston. Fuck Boston. Keep growing awesomist goatee ever

Derrick Turnbow- Bring down walk rate... HAHAHA just kidding, hit guy in on-deck circle on actual in game pitch. Also, I'm gonna keep the chin.

Brian Shouse- Tattoo "I'M A FUCKING LEFTY" on forehead for Ned to see

David Riske- Earn contract, also change last name to Danger so those damn puns can stop

Guillermo Mota- Take huge shit on Shea Stadium mound, except literally this time. Also be the ROOGY (Righty One Out Guy for those who don't know) I was born to be.

Solomon Torres- Kill Dave Littlefield, and pitch another 90 games of sub 2.75 ERA baseball

Those are all that matter. I'm not going to get into guys that won't have much impact on the season... then again, knowing Ned, there is a backup not on this list he'll play 50 games just because he's a dick like that. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Make sure you have a designated driver, or cab, or rickshaw.

If No One Asked You to Pay, Then Shut The F-CK Up

2007-12-26T19:50:00.000-06:00

I'm in a position where I deal with a lot of sports fans. One of the most frequent complaints I get is about pricing. Yet the pricing I get the most complaints about is not even for the sport I deal with. There is a new stadium going up in my town, and the owner is selling seat licenses at $50,000 for the best seats in the house. I can't really say this is a bad thing because a lot of people who are saying no to that are saying yes to my team, thus making me more money. But what I can't stand is when people who obviously have not been to a game in 10 years whining about it.

First off, you aren't going to the games, so what the fuck right do you have to complain about it? Seriously, if you don't want to pay it, then don't pay it. I never understood why people bitch about the owner when you do nothing to put money in his pocket. My uncle once told me, "I don't like the stadium tax because they didn't ask me." I guess I missed when you were elected to the legislature. It's called Representative Democracy. Perhaps you should retake a fucking civics course. Also, if you really want to bitch about the extra dollar you have to drop when you spend $1000, then by all means. But make sure you hire that string quartette, so someone could actually give a shit.

Secondly, cock smoker, why do you think I want to hear it? It's a safe assumption that you've never felt a connection to anything outside of your own penis, or that 6 year old you have chained up in the basement. I doubt you even golf. You just find pleasure in complaining about every little thing and tell people how to spend their money. Here's a novel concept, Sports fans actually put their money where their mouth is. They care about the fortunes of their team. And they are willing to show up and show their support or displeasure. That's why they have a right to boo. You do not, since you are just a douche with an ugly fucking sweater complaining about how the owner is a fucking criminal.

Go drink your fucking Tab, take your Enzyte in case the wife wants to make love in the next year, and shut the fuck up. Fucking asshole.

Instructional League Update

2007-12-25T20:24:00.001-06:00

Where the hell is everybody? I know Spring Training is still 2 and a half months away, but still, there is work to be done. Shouldn't we be getting ready. Thank God Jessie Levis was here to let me in. I am gonna give it to you all tomorrow. L'Chiam

The Obligatory Xmas Post

2007-12-25T12:34:00.000-06:00

Everyone must have a post that celebrates Xmas. You know, being Jewish, I'm supposed to not like it, but I do enjoy some elements of the holiday. Here's the list:

Drinking Hot Alcohol- Apple jacks, hot toddies, warm brandy, Irish coffee, hot buttered rum, British style Guiness, mead wine, it's all awesome. There is nothing better than warming yourself and getting hammered. It's a short term solution everyone can appreciate.

Spending time with your family- You know, they are alright. Especially when tore up about hot booze. Plus I now have a niece and nephew (in-law), and teaching them how to fart on cue is something I'm looking very much forward to.

Appetizers- When your relatives can cook, it's the best thing in the world. All sorts of cheese and pastry. It's not just slicing up a summer sausage and a block of sharp cheddar (damnit mom, I feel so deprived).

Egg Nog- A lot of people don't like egg nog. To them I say, "Fuck off, haters." It's one of the most delectable beverages you can have. As Dave Attell said, "You know, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes."

Watching people shop- I personally like shopping, because I'm very efficient. I get a sales person, if they don't have what I want, fuck them. If they do, good, you get the commission. But it's fun to watch people get frazzled. No, foot locker won't have your Nintendo Wii for your bastard child. I also love those couples that you can tell just got done fighting in the parking lot, and not talking to each other, but you can see they hate the shit out of each other. It's a thing of beauty.

Making fun of Christmas Songs- Hey Band Aid (first off, nice fucking name. You think you could get anymore punny or obvious?), of course there is no snow in Africa this Christmas. It's in the fucking Southern Hemisphere. It's fucking summer there right now. Plus the majority of the continent is hot. Stupid fucks.

And fucking Christmas Shoes. NewSong came out with this piece of shit in 2002, and you can't fucking escape it. I'll go through the story in case you haven't been forced to listen to the radio in the past 5 years. A kid's mom is dying, and he doesn't have enough money to buy her a pretty pair of shoes. He starts begging, and some sap from NewSong ponies up the cash. Isn't Christmas the time where we don't depress the shit out of each other? Besides, I personally think he used it for smack.

Anyway, let me get this straight. Your poor mom is dying, and you think a pair of shoes which will probably dig into her feat making them uncomfortable will cheer her up. Secondly, when she dies, do you really think she wears what she died in to go to heaven. When she meets Jesus, she'll be poking some holes in some clouds with those damn shoes. It's ridiculous, and depressing as fuck.

So for X-mas, we got an interview with Bill Hall about what he likes about X-mas. My fiance' just pointed out how funny it is to be depressed since there is no Brewers news in like, a week. You got your DVR to record your court shows, I don't want to hear it. I want some real fucking moves damnit. Anyway, here's the interview. Have a great holidays everyone.

The off season moves graded by Hams

2007-12-21T20:01:00.000-06:00

It's time for a review of all of the Brewers off-season moves. They will be graded on a 1-5 ham scale, in honor of Prince's reward for every home run he hits.

Traded Johnny Estrada for Guillermo Mota
Was this really an improvement? I know Mota throws (more likely past tense threw) hard, but he did melt down late in the season. And later, the Mets non-tendered Estrada, so basically they just stuck us with Mota's contract. Now he could bounce back to '03 form, but he's been getting progressively worse since then. Now he could be a ROOGY, but more likely, he'll just suck. But then again, we got rid of our base-clogging, first pitch swinging, can't throw anyone out, clubhouse asshat of a catcher, so it's not too bad.

Rating:

Signed Jason Kendal:
So we get rid of our suck ass catcher, only to bring in a guy who's actually worse? What kind of glue was Melvin sniffing? Seriously, this guy is worse than Neifi Perez, he's not even good at defense. Didn't we make fun of the scrubs for picking this guy up last year? Man, what a horrible move.

Rating:
And it's week old ham.

Traded Marino Salas and Kevin Roberts for Solomon Torres:
So we give up 2 minor leaguers for an actually good pitcher at a below market contract? See, Pittsburgh basically made Torres sit down and watch 2 girls 1 cup on this one. They said, "Sure, we'll rent out your field in the shithole country you live in." Then they don't do it. What a fuck you to your work horse. How many losing seasons do they have in a row? Business like this is why.

Rating:

Signed David Riske to a 3-year deal
I have a theory that set-up men's performance are like sine waves. Riske is a perfect example. Just check out his year by year performance: '01- Out of this world amazing, '02- Blew goats, '03- Pretty fucking great, '04- Not terrible, but just good, '05- Just good, '06- pretty much the same as '04, '07- Back to pretty fucking great. My guess is we may see him blow goats again, but then thats just me waiting for palindromes.

Rating:

Signed Eric Gagne to a 1 year deal

I like the fact that he sucked in Boston in the second half. I guess I just don't like Boston because I can envision them being the white people in the Dave Chappelle Racial Draft skit holding up the sign, "we're so cool, we're white!" Will Leitch had a great piece on why no one should root for the Sawx on the New York Times website. No, that was not a shameless plug to get linked, but hey, couldn't hurt. Someone might actually read this. Thanks for the support, honey. Anyway, Gagne won't be that bad, but if he's Texas good, the Brewers will be very very happy.

Rating:

And now, the ratings of the guys we let go:

Francisco Cordero:
So he was a damn good closer, and pretty much didn't want to be here. But making us think Turnbow was going to be the closer for about a month and a half? That was something I couldn't take. Plus he signed with the Reds, which is wonderful that we still get to see him 18-20 times next year, and that we only get their 2nd round pick.

Rating:
Just because we got Gagne

Scott Linebrink:
We gave up our 2nd best pitching prospect for a reliever who is no longer elite, just good. But hey, we got the White Sox 2nd rounder... great. Bad trade, but I'm glad we're not over paying for him, just Mota, and Gagne, and probably Riske, and Suppan, and Kendal...

Rating:
For letting him go.

Johnny Estrada:
Apparently he was Santorum in the clubhouse and behind the plate, and just shit at it. Fuck him then.

Rating:

Geoff Jenkins:
This would be a bigger loss if he wasn't misused for the past 2 years, but he still pissed me off. Good luck in Philly.

Rating:
For not living up to his hype in that 1998 Brewers preview from SI. I remember Jinx.

Kevin Mench:
If anyone signs this guy, I'll be shocked. Then again, I was shocked that we signed Kendal.

Rating:
Bye Shrek. Don't let the door hit you in the giant fucking head on the way out.

Matt Wise:
We let this guy go and kept Mota. I suppose he's been ineffective after planting a ball in that guy on the Reds' face. But still, we kept Mota.

Rating:
He signed a smaller deal with the Mets. Fucking Mota.

And thats how I rate the Brewers performance thus far in the off-season.

Average Rating:

That's 3.27 hams, an above average Rating

Old guys in young guys clothing

2007-12-20T20:51:00.001-06:00

The review of the organization continues, I'm gonna do the coaching staff and Ned.

Ted Simmons- I love Ted Simmons. He always was thinking about 3 or 4 pitches in advance. He is Dick Cheyney to Ned's G-Dub

Ed Sedar- I nothing this guy

Dale Sveum- Here's a great idea. Let's put one of the worst infield defenders in history in charge of infield defense. This is the kind of thinking you get with Ned.

Jim Skaalen- Fix Rickie, then we'll talk

Mike Maddux- The one year fix king. Fix turnbow again, then you can be Saint Mike again.

Bill Castro- I'm not sure who he has naked pictures of, but he's lasted through the Bando, Taylor, and Melvin administrations. My guess is Bud.

Marcus Hanel- since when is a bullpen catcher a coach?

Joe Crawford- Here's the AV club.

Nedly- I have a host of problems with Ned. 1) If you are going to platoon, then platoon. Don't put guys who can't hit lefties/righties against their respective weakness. 2) Play the best player, not the "hot hand." 3) Don't put Brian Shouse in again rightys. 4) If a guy doesn't have it, pull him.

Among others.

Next up, a review of off-season moves on a 1-5 hams scale.

These guys love dirt- the Infielders

2007-12-17T12:47:00.000-06:00

Finishing up the list. enjoy

Ryan Braun- I would so let this guy sleep with my sister. Not only is he Jewish (which my parents would love), but he also hits the balls harder than Jessica Simpson on (insert random celebrity man here). This guy's exploits puts Ed Hochuli to shame.

Craig Counsell- I don't think you can get scrawnier than this guy. I think he was on I Love New York 2 (sub-title: the Pelvic Inflamatory Disease connection) as cheesy. He's turning 38 this year, and looks 12.

Joe Dillon- see Gross, Gabe. Yost will bench someone good for a couple games of a hot bat and 3 weeks of nothing production.

Alcedis Escobar- a good defensive replacement who hasn't played beyond Double-A. He's still 22, but the only reason he's on the 40 man roster is so that no one took him in the rule 5 draft. Would that be that bad of a thing? Do we really need the next Neifi Perez?

Prince Fielder- CHUBSY!!! The name sake of this blog is awesome. I am pretty sure he has a clause in his contract for receiving a ham every time he gets up to the plate. A little history for you. He had a mohawk the last month of the season. Hense the name, "Chubber Lang."

JJ Hardy- Did you notice that he out hit Miguel Tejada last year? No??? You were too busy getting lost in his eyes. He is dreamy... In a completely non gay way.

Hernan Irrabaren- He's like Escobar, except Hernan will be the next Royce Clayton as opposed to Neifi Perez, and that might be useful if we were the Washington Nationals or another team looking to tread water.

Brad Nelson- The only good thing I can really say about him is that his Birthday is in a week. Happy early Birthday trade throw in.

Vinny Rotinno- You know this guy has a connected uncle. Maybe thats why he's on the roster. I just don't feel good about guys who collect jock straps.

Rickie Weeks- Let's hope this is his break out year, because thats what we've been saying for the past 2 years. I'm calling it now. This year he'll break out. Mostly because of a Kardashian sister fling.

Coming Soon: The Coaching staff including Nedly.

Catchers, and long hit ball catchers

2007-12-16T18:56:00.001-06:00

Let's continue our current assessment of the Brewers Roster.

Jason Kendall- Supporting Al-Quaeda is the only worse use of money that I could think of. He really sucks donkey balls.

Eric Munson- It really looks like the Brewers are amassing Catchers that can't throw anyone out from behind the plate. The only reason I see to have this guy on the roster is for Yost to give a rest to the namesake of this blog every now and then. Yost is just the type of ass hat to do that.

Lou Palmisano- You know Captain Lou Albano was really quite the slob. I can't get passed that Cindy Lauper video he was in with the stained wife beater. He also appeared in the movie Body Slam as Cap'n Lou Marauno. Really stretching yourself as an actor. His presence in pop culture is about as necessary as this Captain Lou's presence on the roster.

Drew Anderson- I thought this guy was the T.V. play by play guy. Since when do they get on the 40 man?

Gabe Gross- This guy gets 3 hits in two days, I guarantee you that Nedly would start him for 3 weeks straight.

Tony Gwynn- He's just like his dad, except for the whole hitting thing.

Bill Hall- You know, for a guy who had one great season, and the rest mediocre, he sure makes a lot of money. Let's hope it's just too much on his plate with learning how to catch balls in the air, similar to this guy's Tuesday nights.

Corey Hart- if you need the lyrics to Never Surrender , you can click the link. Otherwise you can enjoy a really tall guy who looks like a new born baby in the field.

Coming soon: The infield

The Hurlers

2007-12-15T00:24:00.000-06:00

Here are the guys that are going to take the mound, and fun facts about them.

Dave Bush- changed his name from Dave Unkempt-Pubic-Region. He was conceived after a very confusing, and unprotected threesome.

Chris Capuano- This guy went to Duke. He wears Puca Shell Necklaces. He wears his jeans way too tight. He sends txt mssgs. He complains that he pitches too much yet gives up 5 in 3 and a 3rd. He'll tell you "this is the best part" of a movie 50 times in the same movie. He pops his collar and frosts his tips. Way too much Douchebaggery to like this guy.

Eric Gagne- He totally fucked Boston over in the 2nd half last year. I like him already.

Yovanni Gallardo- A pitching prospect that actually did what was advertised in the majors. He also will impregnate your sister. You won't care.

Zack Jackson- The big haul from the Lyle Overbay trade (he's the one that didn't get knocked the fuck out, or is the hot hand). Fuck him, he's not going to do shit except be a throw in.

Seth McClung- After the Enterprise stopped his father's plan to destroy a star, he has sworn revenge on Shatner.

Guillermo Mota- This is what we get for unloading that asshole that clogged the bases worst than the obstruction in John Goodman's bowel. Hey, it's a shitty reliever. Great.

Manny Parra- Did you know that Parra means climbing vine in Spanish. I also found out what pakistani beef jerkey
is. Good stuff

David Riske- Too. Many. Puns... It's. Sapping. My. Will. To. Live

Ben Sheets- Man, if this guy could just stay healthy, he might be the best pitcher in the NL. Then again, if Lindsay Lohan could stop doing blow and putting things in her birth canal, she might be a good actress.

Brian Shouse- Nedly doesn't know how to use this guy. He's a southpaw. Whoever came up with that term should be fucked in the pants. Seriously.

Mitch Stetter- I'm never mentioning this guy again, since he's too boring. Unless he fucks up a game. Then I'm going to call for his testicles in a jar.

Jeff Suppan- Officially, we know the price for mediocrity. It's 4 years, 42 Million.

Solomon Torres- Talk about taking one in the ass. Pittsburgh tells him that they'll rent his little league field if he signs a below market contract. Then renegs on the deal. Just shows you the class that is in that shit hole city. Hopefully they didn't use him up pitching him over 160 times in the last two years.

Derrick Turnbow- Stache' said that if he could cut down on his walks, he'd be a good pitcher. He also said that if Kim Kardashian didn't have a big ass and didn't fuck Ray-Jay on video tape, she'd might still be famous. Neither one is true.

Claudio Vargas- Not since Storm Davis has such a shitty pitcher compiled a better record.

Carlos Villanueva- Villy was born on November 28th, same day as Judd Nelson. I really think he was a pussy in the Breakfast Club.

Coming soon: Catchers and Outfielders

A Little Thing Called Destiny...

2007-12-14T23:55:00.000-06:00

Like the illicit jeans market, one has to look at the over-blogged world of Milwaukee Brewers Baseball and say, "Hey, me too!" The myth and legend (man debatable, except anatomically) is dedicated (kind of) to bring you Milwaukee Brewers related jokes.

Thats it. I'm not analyzing intentionally. I'm not bringing you those tasty stats and projections. Go somewhere else for that (there are hundreds of bored, over educated college students who should be out trying to get laid doing God's work there). Any stats will be appreciated, but summarily ignored in order to enjoy the show. I'm not bringing you the why of winning/losing. I'm bringing the funny.

So put down your Ice House or Red Dog or microwaved Old English (for the holidays), and buckle up bitches. It's going to be a wild ride.

Coming soon: a preview of the current active roster and break down of the off season moves to this point.